Bureaucracy (Vodafone) Gone Mad

I have recently travelled to Barcelona to speak at a marketing conference about how marketers can deal with the global crisis (more on that later).

As is usually the case I travelled with a laptop, iPhone and Blackberry (actually two Blackberry's). All worked extremely well at keeping me in constant touch. One of the Blackberry's was a Bold provided by Vodafone which I have been using for a few months now. The other was my old Blackberry (clunky) provided by Telstra.

I love the Blackberry Bold and choose it over the iPhone for email. The Bold was provided to me by Vodafone as part of a wider deal (involving a number of staff phones) I have with them, and, despite the initial problems getting it provisioned by Vodafone, has previously functioned flawlessly.

I went the long way to Barcelona across the top of Europe, via Helsinki, and had no problems with the Bold working in Bangkok, Helsinki or Barcelona. Things fell apart though on my return journey.

I arrived for a 7 hour layover in Bangkok and there was no service on the Bold. I tried rebooting a number of times but still no emails despite the fact that it was clearly showing a network connection and signal strength.

Annoyingly I had to resort to email on my iPhone (I had packed the backup Telstra Blackberry in my checked luggage figuring I wouldn't need it, so I had no choice). One of the emails was a transcribed voice message from my office phone system, from Vodafone, asking me to call them on an Australian 1800 number (which was of course not accessible from overseas). I guessed I knew what the problem was and thought, since I had 7 hours to kill anyway, I might as well try and resolve it.

The problem I envisaged was that I have NEVER received a bill from Vodafone and therefore have never paid them. I knew sooner or later I would have to pay but figured it wasn't my role to beg them for a bill. I had given them all my contact details (home and office) when I signed up, and clearly they at least knew my office phone number, so I wasn't trying to avoid them or my fiduciary duties.

I found a way to get my laptop online in Bangkok airport and went digging on the web for a Vodafone contact number I could call from overseas. I finally tracked one down and made the call.

I got through to "Laura" their inept human interface to an IVR system. I, like almost any sane consumer, hate IVR systems and I hate them even more when they dress them up with a faux helpful and cheerful human voice interface who asks me to simply 'say the thing I need'. I speak perfectly good English and I have a well remunerated public speaking career which attests to it, yet 'Laura' and her ilk never seem to comprehend my requests. The result is an increasingly frustrating farce where 'she' repeatedly tells me "I'm sorry I didn't understand that, can you say again what you want - it is a good idea to speak slowly and simply'. Grrrrrr!!!! There is never simple enough language to make 'Laura' understand.

This sort of obfuscation is fine when you are calling them on their 1800 number, and it is not costing you anything, but it is maddening when you are calling from overseas and it is costing you global roaming charges.

Eventually I got through to the right sort of IVR option but Laura wasn't going to put me through to a real person until I had provided my PIN number security code. When 'Laura' asked for my PIN number my heart sank because I had no idea at all what it was. I have a great head for numbers and knew it wasn't just a case of my forgetfulness - I have never had a Vodafone PIN. I vainly tried a few of the 'old faithfuls' only to be told in a very condescending manner by 'Laura' that the numbers were incorrect.

Thank heavens (or so I thought) 'Laura' gave up in frustration and put me through to a real person. The first question I was asked by the real person - "Tom" - was, you guessed it, my PIN number. "I have no idea at all", was my plaintive reply. "Well try guessing", said Tom. "I've been guessing for the last half hour and Laura tells me all my guesses are wrong, what's the point in trying again with you Tom?" was my response. "Try anyway". So I did. Of course, all my guesses were incorrect.

Tom refused to talk to me unless I could identify 'myself' with a PIN number - he was concerned about my privacy. Well, I wasn't going to let it go at that. I told him I was in Bangkok and my beloved Blackberry wasn't working. He managed to confirm that for me. I suggested that the reason might be because they had cut it off because I hadn't paid the bill. He was more cagey with that one because he didn't want to reveal anything to me but it was clear that was the case. I played my trump card - "But Tom, I am returning your call - you called me to talk about this". He begrudgingly admitted he (personally) had called and left a message but he still couldn't talk to me because I couldn't identify myself. I asked him how on earth I would know he called me unless I was the person who he called but he still wouldn't budge.

I tried a different tack - "Look Tom, I'm happy to pay any outstanding bill to get my Blackberry working again, just switch the Blackberry back on and email it to me and I'll pay it - I don't know where the bills have been going but I have never received one." He admitted that he could "see, from the files at least 3 potential reasons why my bills weren't getting to me, but [he] still couldn't discuss it [with me] because I couldn't provide the PIN" and so he didn't know who I was. He offered to talk to to his supervisor if he could put me on (expensive) hold for a couple of minutes.

He came back and said that his supervisor had told him that if I could fax him, on Company letterhead, a letter signed by a Company director, requesting them to release to me my PIN he could do so and then I could call back and talk to him. I lost it at this point and suggested common sense should prevail - I was in Bangkok airport, not near a fax machine or printer and in any event I didn't have a letterhead (at all - who does these days?) . This brought us to a grinding impasse.

He went back to his supervisor who proposed a cunning plan - 'How about I nominate a $ figure I would be prepared to pay to have my Blackberry service reinstated and, if that was acceptable to them, I could pay it via credit card over the phone and then we could both sort it all out when I got back to Australia.' I dismissed this for the obvious nonsense it was.

I suggested a number of alternatives - how about I email you a letter including my company ABN? How will you do that said he - from my Optus iPhone of course! That might work, he admitted. Is there any other way I asked - how about you ask me for my date of birth, the colour of my eyes, my mother's maiden name, the name of my first pet or first car? No, Tom wouldn't have any of that.

So, after nearly 2 hours on the phone, I hadn't gotten anywhere with Tom. I tried the only thing which provided a glimmer of hope and sent him an email from my iPhone. I didn't receive a response.

And still haven't! It has been a week now since I have been back. I've tried emailing and calling but they still can't talk to me because I still don't know my PIN, which to the best of my knowledge, I have never set up in any event.

I still have received no invoices anywhere and my Vodafone Blackberry is still down for the count.

The day I arrived back in OZ I popped around to Telstra and upgraded my old, spare Blackberry for a Bold. So for the last week I have been happily using a Blackberry Bold again but with a different carrier.

I guess I'll wait and see what Vodafone does. At least I know they correctly have my office telephone number but I haven't received any calls from them. Even if I did I am sure the first question they would ask is my PIN - stalemate again.

There are so many things wrong with Vodafone evident from this story that I don't know where to begin to summarise them. I would have thought that in this challenging economic time it was more imperative than ever to apply common sense; collect cash from your customers; provide exceptional service and so on. Not Vodafone. Heaven help them - if you have shares, sell!