The law of large numbers

I don't know whether it was the weather or simply a potentially slow week but I received three unsolicited telemarketing calls today.

Let me disclose my bias up front - I hate telemarketing. My view is, if it is important and really interesting and different, put it in an email to me where I can study, digest, assimilate and use it as a springboard for web research before making a considered decision. I have joined the 'do not disturb' (a.k.a 'do not call') register, but I still seem to get calls anyway (and let me forestall those who might quickly point out my right to report or complain - I know).

Clearly some people respond positively to an unsolicited phone call or they wouldn't do it. But this is the same as the fact that spam email works for some people. Apparently about 30% of web denizens have responded to spam email. This type of marketing relies on the law of large numbers - if you spam, or call, a large enough number of people sooner or later you will get a positive response.

It might work but it really does nothing to build brand or relationship.

One of the things that really sets me off with the telemarketers is the lack of transparency; the truth is often hidden behind a wall of obfuscation. How can a meaningful customer relationship be built on a foundation of lack of truth?

My first call of the day was point-in-case. A cheery voiced person told me she was calling on behalf of my (large and pervasive) credit card company (the "on behalf of" is the giveaway). She asked me whether I had time now to chat about a particular "benefit" the magnanimous card company was making available to card holders such as me. I responded in a very guarded manner because I was already fearing this was another attempt to sell me some sort of credit insurance policy (I've had numerous calls on the subject in the past).

Despite my temporising she charged on. Before she got into the meat of the call, which she hoped I didn't mind would be recorded, she wanted to check the contact details she had on file for an annual travel insurance policy I had previously taken out.

My heart sank because I realised this was a very scripted attempt to establish relationship and empathy - a sort of 'you have bought insurance from us in the past so we are trusted and close allies'. I was certain now she was going to try and sell my some credit protection insurance.

This prompted me to ask her - 'where did you say you were calling from again - are you from (leading charge card) company?'. "Mr. Pethick, I am calling on behalf of XYZ insurance and your (leading charge card) company but I work for custom call centres". "So you want to sell me some sort of insurance policy?", was my response. "Sir, I want to talk to you about one of the benefits you get as a valued card holder".

I'll spare you the pain of a much longer call. The bottom line was she was trying to sell me credit protection insurance, but it took some time to extract the information from her.

This is all just lies and deceit. She certainly wasn't calling from my charge card company and the opportunity to buy a useless insurance policy at a normal market rate certainly isn't a "benefit".

Why, oh why, couldn't the whole conversation have some honesty and integrity to it - "Mr. Pethick, I'm calling from a telemarkeing company engaged by your credit card company; my mission today is to sell you an insurance policy which you can charge to your card, and, before you hang up on me, at least give me an opportunity to try and convince you it might be useful to you. This call will take about 5 minutes and I know 5 minutes is probably precious to you but I reckon it will be the best 5 minutes you'll spend today", and so on.

The reason they can't have an honest and open conversation like this is because they are engaged in 'law of large numbers' marketing and that largely relies on bamboozling unsuspecting people with scripted pseudo-benefit speak.

I am guessing we get the marketing we deserve. If we all said "no" to such approaches we may quickly train companies to stop patronising us; to start dealing with us openly, honestly, with good grace and good humour, and we might all start to do some mutually beneficial business.

Let's start a revolution by saying 'no' more frequently when we are being patronised.

And there is a great opportunity for a business to create a "purple cow" by pursuing an open, honest and refreshing dialogue with their potential customers.